From Wikipedia.

The effect of caffeine  on spiderweb construction. Noever, R., J. Cronise, and R. A. Relwani. 1995. Using spider-web patterns to determine toxicity. NASA Tech Briefs 19(4):82. Published in New Scientist magazine, 27 April 1995

I’m also a little worried about this, also from wikipedia:

It’s not the labeled side effects that worry me too much, however. I’m much more worried about caffeine’s apparent ability to turn you semi-translucent.

Maine Root Beer's aftertaste is about as bad as the aftertaste of this visual pun. Get it? Maine Root? Ah yeah!

So I generally try to drink non-HFCS soft drinks when possible. I do it partly out of a pathetic attempt to maintain something approaching a healthy lifestyle (“I’d like the bucket of chicken-flavored lard flakes covered in ranch dressing, please. Wait. Better make that thousand island dressing. Watching the weight.”), but also because sodas sweetened with cane sugar do tend to taste better. Jones makes great cane sugar sodas, and Boylan’s Cane Cola may be my all-time favorite cola, which I’d link to, if Boylan’s didn’t have a crappy flash-intensive website. Hey Boylan’s? 2002 called. They want their website design aesthetic back! Burn! Oh, and me? David Spade called. He wants this joke back. Because, you know, he’s David Spade. He doesn’t have a whole lot left.

There are two non-HFCS soft drinks I’d avoid, however: Maine Root and Deerfield Park Premium Sodas.

I worry about bad natural sodas. It’s like when you have a television show you love. You try to get other people into the show, and when you finally sit a friend down and make him watch an episode, it turns out to be the worst episode of the entire series. “I mean,” you say apologetically, “it’s normally better than that. That wasn’t the best episode, but trust me, it’s really really great.” Your friend  smiles, tight-lipped, and nods. He will never watch any more of that great show, because that one episode turned him off the entire experience.

I worry that a bad natural soda can do the same thing, sending the unwary fleeing back to the hyper-sweetened (and cheaper) land of HFCS sodas.

Maine Root Root Beer

I found Maine Root sodas in a bodega in Bushwick, Brooklyn. They had a variety of flavors, including Blueberry and Pumpkin Pie. I went for the Root Beer, because it has that pleasant double “root” in the title: Maine Root Root Beer. How can you go wrong with that? And it’s root beer, the tastiest of all root-based beverages. (In your face, Rutabaga Juice!)

Let me make this quick: Maine Root Root Beer initially has a sharp, Barq’s like taste. That, however, quickly fades into an unpleasant, taint-esque aftertaste.

Deerfield Park Orange Cream

I grabbed this at a Walgreen’s in St. Marks Place, in Manhattan. No HFCS, around $2. What I didn’t realize until after I purchased a bottle of Orange Cream is that Deerfield Park is Walgreen’s in-house brand. It tastes of Walgreens: bland and unfilling. It has a vague orange taste, covered up by a bland, overly sweet vanilla.

Bull shit.

-Curtis Retherford

I realized it had been awhile since last I wrote, and I couldn’t let another moment go by without dropping you a quick note.  I know we’re at this point in our relationship where we don’t have to show our affection as strongly as we used to, because, well, we both know how the other feels.  That being true, I still need to say some things out loud.

I don’t know why people always give you such a hard time.  They’re jealous, probably. That’s the only explanation I can fathom. It can’t be that the things they say are true, because they simply aren’t.

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY YOU TASTED LIKE PRUNES! Bah, I shouldn’t have told you that. I know about your self-esteem issues. That guy on the TV always saying that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like you, that has to eat away at you. Well, you know what? No one tastes like you, not even your cousin, Diet Cherry Vanilla.  So, okay, someone said you tasted like prunes. Big whoop. You don’t. Not unless prunes taste like chocolate purple scrotums dipped in carbonated heaven clouds. Do they? I don’t know, I’ve never had a prune.

Those other guys? They’re just biting on your style, and they’ll never be your equal. As the great comedian/fan-of-you so rightly proclaimed “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”  And in this current economic climate? Higher education is becoming an even greater asset in continued career success.

You’re not going anywhere, friend.  Although I know we’ve had our ups and downs, like that time I experimented with heating you up and mixing you with lemon juice, I just want to let you know that I will always be there. Maybe sometimes I’ll be drinking Coke, and other times I’ll be drinking Root Beer, but there are always going to be times when I want something bolder. There will always be times when I demand all 23 of your flavors batting against my tastebuds. That’s never going to change, Dr. P.

I think Spock said it best:

“You have been and forever will be my third choice of dark-colored soft drink.”

Much love,

–Adam Dorsey

Is the flavor of this soda bigger than a breadbox? What do you mean, you don't understand me? Look at this breadbox. Is the flavor bigger than that? ANSWER THE QUESTION.

Some companies, however, sell products that are not so easily described. Let’s say you knew someone who, for whatever reason, had never tried Coca-Cola. (Amish, pehaps? Although I think the Amish drink Coke as well, probably during Rumspringa. Let’s just say this guy had no tongue for a while, then, through the miracles of science, he received a tongue implant and was now tasting many things for the first time. Wait. No. Let’s just say he’s Amish.) You want this guy to try a Coke, but he’s never tried it, and he’s looking askance at this brown bubbly liquid that you’re offering him.

“Drink it!” you yell at him a little more loudly than you initially intended. Others turn to see what’s going on, so you force an easy demeanor, and tell him “Go on, it’s great, it’s like…well…” How would you describe the taste? “Acidic, sweet, and carbonated” would be my description. A recent piece about flavor science in the New Yorker mentioned that Coke actually has citrus-y flavors, which we ignore for various reasons, such as the dark, un-citrus caramel color. Berke Breathed once described Coke and Pepsi both as tasting like “malted battery acid,” which I think is as good a description as any.

But, of course, corporations want pleasant, appetizing descriptions of their products.

First off, let’s look at some Pepsi brands, and the descriptions thereof. All descriptions were taken from http://www.pepsiproductfacts.com/

Pepsi
Pepsi – the bold, robust, effervescent magic cola
It’s the cola

MAGIC? If you have to use the word magic to describe your product, you lose. You have failed at product descriptions. Why not just label everything magic? “MacBook Pro: The magic thinking device!” “Marlboro Lights: The magic smoke-makers!” “Hangers: The Magic Coat Levitators!” So Pepsi, I am sorry. You are not allowed to use the word magic to describe soda. I mean, I like Pepsi. I drink Pepsi a lot. Too much, in fact. But never, not even once, have I thought “Wow. The drink I am drinking seems sufficiently amazing that science as it currently stands could not adequately describe the taste sensation in my mouth.” And I frequently consider the limits of science (it’s my way of keeping it real), so the fact that I have never once thought “Jeez louise! This soda is M-A-G-I-C!” means that it is, well, not magic.

But even worse, Pepsi is described as “effervescent magic.” What sort of pathetic magic is that? “Well, young apprentice, you have done well. You have spent years studying ancient and arcane tomes. You have given up your soul, devoting yourself entirely to unlocking the potential power of the dark arts. But now, now is your greatest and final challenge. To verify that you have effervescent magic, you must make bubbles! Lots of bubbles! Little tiny ones. If my nose doth tingle you will have proven yourself the greatest wielder of effervescent magic the world has ever known. Well done, practitioner of the dark and fizzy arts! Now, to learn the mystical secrets of Alka-Seltzer! Repeat the spell after me, my apprentice: Plop…plop…fizz…fizz…“

Finally, notice how you have never seen the tagline “It’s the cola” used in any advertising copy, ever? There’s a reason for that. “It’s the cola,” to put it bluntly, sucks effervescent ass. It’s one step away from “hey, it’s that thing that’s over there!” or “it’s the product we’re advertising!”

Mountain Dew
Mountain Dew exhilarates and quenches with its one of a kind great taste.
Do the Dew

Woah! I am totally not thirsty to the extreme!

I feel like this description is a holdover from the days when Mountain Dew advertised using windsurfers, sky divers, and astronauts to show the exhilarating, envelope-pushing nature of Mountain Dew. Now, of course, Mountain Dew has acknowledged that it is Nerd Nectar. A better description of Mountain Dew would be:

“Mountain Dew keeps enough of your brain awake that you can play World of Warcraft, but doesn’t wake you up enough to realize what a sad, pathetic waste your life has become. Do the Dew!” (heavy metal guitar strum)

Mug Root Beer
Everything about Mug Root Beer appeals to the senses: the rich foam, the unique aroma and the feeling of ice-cold refreshment. It’s the perfect drink for the whole family.
The Taste You Crave

This is soda porn.

Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry
Only Wild Cherry Pepsi has the thrilling burst of unique cherry flavor and a sweet, crisp taste that gives you more to go wild for!
Check Out The Cherry.

Check out the cherry? Are they referring to this?

Please don’t check out the cherry. I don’t need to know about it bursting, or about anyone going wild. Just…stop.

Jazz – Black Cherry French Vanilla
Introducing Jazz, a new zero calorie cola from the makers of Diet Pepsi. No calories, no fat, all the indulgence. Grab yourself a Jazz in either Black Cherry French Vanilla, Caramel Cream or Strawberries & Cream and experience a Jazz moment all to yourself.
Jazz, the new sound of cola

The word jazz was once possibly slang for fucking. In fact, the word jazz likely came from the word “jasm,” which probably came from the word “jism.” I want you to think about that for a little bit, and now re-read the description of Jazz -Black Cherry French Vanilla, but replace the word “jazz” with the word “jism.” Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Now go enjoy a jazz moment all to yourself. If Jazz is “the new sound of cola,” there’s a good chance that the new sound of cola involves labored grunting.

Slice – Orange
If your family craves bold orange taste, you’ll love new Orange Slice. Try the great taste of orange…It’s twisted. Also available in Grape, Peach, and Strawberry. (Available only in Wal*Mart)

Advertising copy for sodas comes in 2 distinct varieties. It is either targeted towards teens (“the crazy taste old people just don’t understand!”) or the whole family (“contains essential iodine, beloved by everyone from young and old!”) This tries to do both. It’s clearly directed towards the soda-buyer of the family, but then it ends with “It’s twisted,” which is a little confusing considering Pepsi also sells Tropicana Twister Orange Soda, as you’ll see below.

Also…peach flavor? PEACH FLAVOR? You’re damn right that peach flavor is only available at Wal*Mart. Any reasonable supermarket couldn’t sell that shit, because the unions would keep it out. THIS IS WHY WAL*MART SUCKS. That and there’s an asterisk in the title. Are we supposed to multiply Wal by Mart? Wouldn’t that give you wmwawrwtamaaaratlmlalrlt?

Tropicana Twister Soda – Orange
Tropicana Twister Soda gives you the powerful fruit flavored taste you’re looking for. Tastes so intense, you’ll sprain your flavor muscle!
The Intensely Orange Orange

Woah, check out that flavor muscle! This orange flavor is so fucking intense that your flavor muscle will grow claws and try to dig its way out of your mouth! YUM!

First off, orange soda is orange soda. Even great orange soda is only marginally better than mediocre orange soda. Here in the U.S. we like our orange soda bright and sweet, which doesn’t leave a lot of room for flavor variation. So I acknowledge that the copywriters didn’t have a lot to work with. And, since Pepsi sells both Tropicana Twister and Slice Orange soda, which are basically identical, there’s extra pressure to come up with copy that really speaks to the orange-flavor-craving consumer.

But never, never once, have I ever wanted to imagine spraining my “flavor muscle.” Do you know why? Because the flavor muscle is a real thing. It’s your tongue. Everyone knows that. Do you want to think about spraining your tongue? Probably not. (Unless, of course, you’re a 12 year-old boy and you don’t really understand sex yet, so you say awkward phrases to your friends such as “I’d totally sprain my tongue on her lady bits, right guys?” and then high-5 your similarly clueless friends.)

Clearly, the copywriter was thinking of something metaphorical, that doesn’t actually exist. “You’ll explode your brain’s orange cortex!” “You’re going to completely disintegrate your soda-pop receptors!” “You’ll crap your flavor pants as your fruit-rectum constricts, and then lets loose with intense orangocity!”

But they weren’t metaphorical enough. The flavor muscle exists. It’s a tongue, and when you bite it hurts like all hell. The tongue is covered with sensitive, delicate taste buds. And so to you, Tropicana Twister Orange, I say the same thing I said to M.C. Hammer: “Don’t hurt ‘em.”

-Curtis Retherford

I don’t know what this means. Spotted at Popeye’s on 14th and 7th Ave, NYC.

Is there a race of cups? And the Medium Cup is in the front? If so, good for you, Medium Cup.

-Curtis Retherford

The No Free Refills Science Division has been working on some experiments you can do with simple, everyday objects and soda. You’ll be surprised at the results. To try this experiment, which shows the effects of phosphoric acid on plastic utensils, watch the youtube video below.

On August 3rd, in the year twenty-oh-nine, Mtn Dew (the carbonated beverage so XTREME that it refuses to spell out its name in full) launched the new drink Diet Mtn Dew Ultra Violet at a VIP “release party.” Unfortunately, we at No Free Refill were not officially invited, so a few days later we went to our local (Asian) grocery and purchased the drink with, you know, real money. It was still so new, though, that the store didn’t even have it in its system, and the cashier had to ask us how much it cost. AND BOY DID WE TELL HIM (“I don’t know, like $1.50?”)

I would also like to mention right now that the soda is only available for the next 12 weeks. So by the time you’re done reading this review, it could be gone!

The soda itself is a light purple. At least it appears light purple to the human eye, as I don’t know if I’m able to see the actual ultra violet that must be encased in the drink.

The press release says that the pop “combines the light citrus flavor of Diet Mountain Dew with a refreshing juicy rush of mixed berries without the calories.” I think it tastes like nasty in a bottle. But I have been known to hate diet sodas, and so as we are growing accustomed to doing here at No Free Refill, I went to the source for impartial diet soda analysis: my girlfriend Linda.

“Diet Mtn Dew usually doesn’t taste very diet-y,” she said, after swishing the drink around in her mouth. “I mean it does, but you know. I also don’t usually like berry things, they’re just so default. But this tastes okay. Diet Mtn Dew never has the kick of regular Mtn Dew, and this almost fixes that. It feels really carbonated, not as flat as Diet Dew. This one still has some fizzling-on-my-tongue-action. Plus, it’s purple!”

And indeed, as stated earlier, it is a light purple color. I leave you with this observation from diet soda expert Linda:

“I don’t even think you’re supposed to ingest things that are this color, but I guess, you know, if you’re already drinking Mtn Dew.”

Yes. If you’re already drinking Mtn Dew, you should know, there’s this new diet one. It’s purple.

–Adam Dorsey

I enjoy the HBO series True Blood. It’s about vampires, and southerners, and it’s got Rogue from X-Men in it.  The main vampire is kind of a badass, and I like to refer to him as “Twilight.”

NOTE: THIS POSTING IS NOT ABOUT THE LAST FOUR EPISODES OF TRUE BLOOD, BECAUSE I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM YET! DO NOT SPOIL THESE EPISODES FOR ME OR I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOU DEAD, LIKE BRUCE WILLIS IN THE SIXTH SENSE!

*SPOILER WARNING* Bruce Willis is a ghost the whole time in that movie. That’s why the kid can see him, because the kid sees dead people. *END SPOILER*

Well, anyway, in the show True Blood, the good vampires, like Rogue’s boyfriend Twilight, they don’t drink human blood, but instead an artificial blood drink called “Tru Blood” (like the name of the show without an ‘e’ GET IT?).  And it has just been brought to my attention that HBO is currently selling Tru Blood drink from their online store (here). I HAVE TO HAVE THIS! Only, as you can see, it costs $19 for a 4-pack, and I simply can’t afford that (in today’s economy?). So, faithful readers, if you would like an exclusive review of the True Blood beverage, Tru Blood, please contact me and I will give you a shipping address for you to enter into your order at hbo.com. (The shipping address will be the same address as where I live at.)

And for anyone who is asking themselves: “Instead of sending it to those No Free Refill D-bags, why don’t I (you) just order my (your) own and drink it, thus eliminating the need for their (our) review?”  You clearly do not understand what this website is about, and you are being very confusing with your pronouns.

-Adam Dorsey

This is not even what the bottle looked like. The actual bottle was 12 oz and had dimples on top. The lies continue.

Sprite Green is not a bad soft drink, considering it seems to be sweetened solely by lies.

Sprite Green is Sprite’s new no-High Fructose Corn Syrup drink. Rather than HFCS, it contains sugar and stevia, which is a natural sugar substitute.

Let’s look at the lies, shall we? Go ahead, boys, bring ‘em in! (Bags and bags filled with children’s letters to Santa Claus are brought into the court room. Each letter represents a lie. Because Santa does not exist, and neither do children.)

Lie #1: Sprite Green is Green (the color). It is not green. The bottle is green, but the drink itself, like all Sprite, is clear. Why call a clear drink “green?” Because this drink is made by liars. The men who created this drink live in a world in which the very sky itself hums with the pulsating mendacity of the damned. Glowing tendrils of lies arc from brain to brain, connecting all of the employees into one giant mass of lies. The ingredients even list “Ascorbic acid (to protect color)” Yes, it says on the label that ascorbic acid is there to protect color. What color? It’s clear, you lying bastards!

Lie #2: Sprite Green is Green (environmental). Sprite Green uses sugar, glass bottles, and lemon juice. Okay…and? Calling it Green seems like a pathetic attempt to ride the current environmentally-conscious zeitgeist. Why not Carbon-Offset Coca-Cola? Rising Sea-Levels Schweppes? We’re All Fucked Fanta?

Lie #3: Sprite Green exists. Sprite Green does not exist. Go ahead. Check the Coca-Cola website. Sprite Green is not listed. This may be because it is currently only available in NYC and Chicago, or it may be that the creators of this drink only visit our dimension once every 1,000 years: Upon arrival, they lie and create soft drinks.

Lie #4: Truvia is somehow better than HFCS. Truvia, which is Coca-Cola’s brandname for stevia, is gross. Stevia has a very particular aftertaste, which both Coke and Pepsi claim they have taken care of. How have they taken care of it? Through processing. So calling Truvia natural is, well, a lie. Truvia i’s slightly more natural than HFCS, slightly less natural than a minotaur. For the time being, you’ll probably only see stevia in drinks that contain citrus flavors (Sprite Green contains lemon juice), because apparently the citrus flavor helps block the gross taste of stevia.

Lie #5: Sprite Green is necessary. Sprite Green is advertised as having half the calories of normal soda. For a 12oz bottle, it has 70 calories. If you are drinking Sprite, you are fine with the amount of calories in Sprite. If you are not, you are probably drinking Sprite Zero, which has 0 calories. Sprite Green is not diet enough to work as a diet soda, and it’s not sweet enough to work as, well, a soda. It’s fine, it’s okay, but it doesn’t exactly fulfill a need that anyone I know has been looking for. No one goes down to their local store every day and asks: “Do you have something marginally sweeter than seltzer, but not as sweet as Sprite? No? Well, I’ll go back to my house, and wait for someone to create a drink just for me. What was that? You have 7oup? Shut your face; I desire not this 7oup you speak of. I want something that contains a marginal amount of lemon juice. Say, 5%. Oh, and salt. Just a bit of salt.”

So, all in all, Sprite Green is, well, all right. It’s not bad. It’s not overly sweet, and it doesn’t have a strong diet taste to it. But it doesn’t seem to fulfill any real purpose. If I want a soda, I want a soda. Sprite Green isn’t good for me, so I’m not going to drink it during my occasional bouts of self-loathing and worrying about my health. It’s also not tasty enough to satisfy my sweet tooth if I’m actually in the mood for a soda.

-Curtis Retherford

Carbonation.

That Coca-Cola is CARBONATED. What is carbonation? I’ll let wikipedia explain it better, but here’s the 2-second Bill Nye synopsis: Carbonation, when combined with ANYTHING, be it Mentos, Pop Rocks, or the freezer, causes explosions.

The fizzy bubbles make my tongue hurt.

Enter Soda Pops. Notice the name? It’s like soda pop, but with an s. Al says that according to Ziggy, there is a 99% chance that the name Soda Pops was invented before anything else. Once they had the name, they probably called every soda company possible, trying to get something rolling. Unfortunately, the companies with interesting soda flavors didn’t answer the phone. So we’re stuck with the lesser sodas. They’re still great, but not as great as they could be.

Soda Pops are not technically popsicles. Popsicles are technically a brand, and these Soda Pops are actually Freezer Pops. Little tubes of plastic, filled with flavored sugar water, that you put into a freezer. Novices to freezer pops often complain that the little nubs on each side of the pops chafe the sides of their mouths. To them I say: toughen up.

Every sheet of Soda Pops contains 6 pops, always in the same order: 7 Up, A&W Root Beer, Dr. Pepper, Crush, Crush, and 7 Up. Notice something about the inequality already present? That’s right, there’s 2 7 Up, 2 Orange, but only 1 each of Dr. Pepper and Root Beer. Dr. Pepper and Root Beer, however, are the very reasons to buy Soda Pops. They are what make Soda Pops unique. It’s like buying a “Best of the Beatles CD” comprised mostly of songs by Ringo and George. Not that those songs are bad, exactly, but let’s be honest. We’re all there for John and Paul. (Please note: in the previous analogy, Ringo was Orange Crush, George was 7 Up, Paul was Root Beer, and John was Dr. Pepper. For more information regarding the Beatles, please read their wikipedia entry.)

This rationing makes no sense. Soda Pops are made by Jel Sert, the makers of Fla-Vor-Ice, Otter Pops, and POP-ICE. (Full disclosure: Although I gladly eat their products, I hate the actual Jel Sert company, because they tried to sue a friend of mine and me over our website, www.frozenliquids.com, which was a clear parody, and therefore protected speech. More info on frozenliquids.com, but for the 2-second Alan Dershowitz version: Jel Sert hates free speech. Go ahead. Try and sue me for that, assholes.) Any way.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Randomness and sheets of freezer pops. You see, for Fla-Vor-Ice (and Otter Pops and POP-ICE), the Jel Sert company (freedom-loving mother-fucker that it is) gives a more or less random distribution of fla-vors. They do this using a stock set of about 6 patterns. So each sheet has a slightly different variation, and in any particular box of Fla-Vor-Ice, depending on which sheets you get, you’ll get a different mix of fla-vors. How do I know this? Well, in college a friend of mine and I charted out the patterns over a set of 10 boxes of Fla-Vor-Ice. Don’t believe me? Here’s the data.

So Jel Sert knows how to give a more or less equitable set of flavors, by making the distribution nearly random. They know how to do it, it’s technology they’ve got, there are probably many people in the company who, in addition to hating satirical websites and the basic human response of laughter, are very proud of how they cracked the mystery of how to give people different flavored freezer pops, and not the same flavors every time.

Why didn’t they do that with Soda Pops?

Orange is a pretty common flavor, so no one is buying Soda Pops to get at the orange popsicles. 7Up is…well…not really a flavor. But we’ll get to that. The only reason anyone would buy Soda Pops are for those 2 unique (and pretty delicious) flavors: Dr. Pepper and Root Beer. And you’re not going to get many of them. Soda Pops are sold in boxes of 12, which is a number that just so happens to be a multiple of 4…so Jel Sert could have put 3 popsicles of each flavor in every box of 12. But they didn’t.

That’s the biggest problem with Soda Pops. Let’s get to the flavors themselves. Because the flavors are the raison d’etre for these little popsicles. Don’t believe me? Check out the box.

Look at how far we can extend the pops out of the plastic!

See how the word FLAVORS is so big? They really want you to know that these freezer pops are made with SODA FLAVORS. (Also, why are there 3 plastic bottles and 1 glass bottle? Consistency, people.)

A&W Root Beer

This tastes faithfully like A&W Root Beer. Good, root beer-y, but without much bite to it. Sweet in a sort of bland, inoffensive way. (Again, Paul McCartney.) That said, it’s pretty delicious. I would gladly eat more than 2 of these, if only they had given me more than 2 out 12.

Little fact: A&W Root Beer’s headquarters are in Malaysia! That’s not in the United States of America. A&W is licensed to Jel Sert through the A&W Concentrate company. I want you to think about that name for a little bit. What do you sell? Soda? Nope. Wrong. We sell concentrate. You make the goddamn soda. We are A&W Concentrate company.

I picture a corporate office, floating inside a giant vat of sludgy A&W Root Beer concentrate.

7.Up

You know that little red dot on the 7 Up logo? It’s called Cool Spot. Are you supposed to include that in the name? 7.up? 7oup? Bad logo design, 7oup. Also, like real 7oup, the 7oup Freezer Pops are advertised as having “100% Natural Flavors.” You know, that sweet natural flavor of the fruit of the 7oup tree, which grows wild in many areas of the South. Why, who can forget that chapter in Huck Finn in which Huck and Jim crawl through the wisteria, past the weeping willows, and then find a 7oup tree, just in bloom, and sit upon the banks of the mighty Mississippi, eating the nearly flavorless fruit of the 7oup tree, chucking the pits into the river, and debating whether the stars was made, or just is.

7oup is advertised as “100% Natural Flavors” because the Dr. Pepper Snapple Company, which owns 7oup, used to advertise 7oup as “100% Natural.” Then, unfortunately, some “Reality Nazis” just had to go an point out that High Fructose Corn Syrup isn’t natural. 7oup, gangstas that they are, decided to just add the word “flavors” to the advertising campaign and keep on rolling.

The 7oup popsicle is like 7oup. Which means…it tastes of nothing. Go ahead, describe the taste of 7up. I’ll wait.

Nope. Wrong. You’re describing Sprite. 7oup isn’t as lemon-y. Try again.

Really? You’re thinking of Sierra Mist. Try one more time.

Are you thinking of seltzer water with sugar? Good. That’s 7oup.

Who the hell wanted this non-flavor as a popsicle? 7oup only exists to be mixed with alcoholic drinks. Putting 7oup in popsicle form defeats 7oups only one true purpose. 7oup is basically sweet ice. Of all the sodas to put in popsicle form, 7oup is the second worst choice. (The worst choice would be Tab.) The 7oup popsicle faithfully recreates the taste of sweetened water. Clearly the flavor scientists, as is so common with scientists, were so concerned with wondering whether or not they could create a 7oup flavored popsicle that they never stopped to wonder whether they SHOULD create a 7oup flavored popsicle.

Dr. Pepper

I like Dr. Pepper. If I’ve had too much Pepsi or Coke, and I feel like the enamel on my teeth has been a little too cocky, then I reach for a nice cool can of Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper, in case you don’t know, is made up of 23 flavors. Most of those flavors are variations of phosphoric acid.

In popsicle form, however, there is something different about Dr. Pepper. It’s still Dr. Pepper, but it’s less acidic. In freezer pop form, without the overwhelming acidity, Dr. Pepper actually tastes pretty great. Dr. Pepper has finally removed its glasses and let down its hair, revealing the beautiful woman beneath. Go ahead. Take her. It’s all right.

Orange Crush

Orange. It’s a flavor, it’s a color, it’s possibly the most ubiquitous flavor of sweets available, seconded only (perhaps) by grape. Orange Crush is, of course, delicious, but it’s indistinguishable from every other orange popsicle you have ever eaten. You already know what this tastes like, so I won’t bother boring you by reviewing something you’ve tasted a million times.

Freezing

The Soda Pops freeze pretty well. They don’t end up as smooth as Wyler’s Italian Ice, which through some sort of devil-magicks somehow manage to stay slushily delicious, but the Soda Pops are not as rock-solid as Fla-Vor-Ice. Soda Pops end up in an acceptable middle-ground. (History fact: Bilbo Baggins lived in Middle Earth! Gerry Rafferty is stuck in the middle with you! Malcolm is in the middle!)

In case you’re not sure what to do with Soda Pops, Jel Sert now includes a handy diagram:

In the event of a forced landing, your freezer pops may be used as a flotation device.

I grew up eating Fla-Vor-Ice and Otter Pops, so the instructions seem a little silly to me. But I am reminded of Valentino, the Sudanese refugee in What is the What, new to American mass-produced cuisine, freezing everything he buys because he does not know what food does and does not require freezing. For Valentino, fresh from a Kenyan refugee camp, this diagram may very well be necessary. However, will it actually help?

There are several problems with this diagram:

Step 1: This step actually combines 2 separate steps: removing the freezer pops from the carton, and inserting them into the freezer. Why not give me a picture of the freezer as well, so I can know, visually, which step I am supposed to take? And why is “Remove steps from carton” printed much larger than any of the other steps? Is this step more crucial to the process than any other? I, for one, would argue that it is the least essential step in the process.

Note: At no point are we told to wait for the freezer pops to freeze.

Step 2: Look at those tiny little hands! Or, perhaps, the freezer pops are gigantic, and as such must be split by gripping one in each hand, and pulling them apart with all the strength available to man, torn asunder like the ribs of a beast felled in that day’s hunt.

Step 3: The scissors have failed to cut off enough plastic. They just cut off the top, but you have to cut into the pouch itself, where the flavor syrup is. Now, it is certainly possible that the pops were placed in such a way that there was a pocket of air on the top, allowing a clean cut without slicing through freezer pop, but what’s the point in that? Do that, and you’re not going to get to eat the head of the freezer pop, which welcomes you into the process of eating a freezer pop by giving you a small, brief taste of the freezer pop to come, inoculating you to the ice-cold sweetness about to reach your mouth. You’re also going to end up with too much syrup on the bottom of your freezer pop, which will inhibit proper pushing. (Oh yeah.) Which brings us to…

Step 4: “Slide Up to Eat.” Slide WHAT up, Jel Sert? The lights? Slide up to the bar? Turn up the electric slide? Slide the whole tube up and down?

Overall

Soda Pops are okay. 1/3 great, 1/3 okay, 1/3 waste-of-time. Instead, I’d suggest getting Italian Ice or the ICEE pops, which taste and freeze better.

-Curtis Retherford