Sprite Green is not a bad soft drink, considering it seems to be sweetened solely by lies.
Sprite Green is Sprite’s new no-High Fructose Corn Syrup drink. Rather than HFCS, it contains sugar and stevia, which is a natural sugar substitute.
Let’s look at the lies, shall we? Go ahead, boys, bring ’em in! (Bags and bags filled with children’s letters to Santa Claus are brought into the court room. Each letter represents a lie. Because Santa does not exist, and neither do children.)
Lie #1: Sprite Green is Green (the color). It is not green. The bottle is green, but the drink itself, like all Sprite, is clear. Why call a clear drink “green?” Because this drink is made by liars. The men who created this drink live in a world in which the very sky itself hums with the pulsating mendacity of the damned. Glowing tendrils of lies arc from brain to brain, connecting all of the employees into one giant mass of lies. The ingredients even list “Ascorbic acid (to protect color)” Yes, it says on the label that ascorbic acid is there to protect color. What color? It’s clear, you lying bastards!
Lie #2: Sprite Green is Green (environmental). Sprite Green uses sugar, glass bottles, and lemon juice. Okay…and? Calling it Green seems like a pathetic attempt to ride the current environmentally-conscious zeitgeist. Why not Carbon-Offset Coca-Cola? Rising Sea-Levels Schweppes? We’re All Fucked Fanta?
Lie #3: Sprite Green exists. Sprite Green does not exist. Go ahead. Check the Coca-Cola website. Sprite Green is not listed. This may be because it is currently only available in NYC and Chicago, or it may be that the creators of this drink only visit our dimension once every 1,000 years: Upon arrival, they lie and create soft drinks.
Lie #4: Truvia is somehow better than HFCS. Truvia, which is Coca-Cola’s brandname for stevia, is gross. Stevia has a very particular aftertaste, which both Coke and Pepsi claim they have taken care of. How have they taken care of it? Through processing. So calling Truvia natural is, well, a lie. Truvia i’s slightly more natural than HFCS, slightly less natural than a minotaur. For the time being, you’ll probably only see stevia in drinks that contain citrus flavors (Sprite Green contains lemon juice), because apparently the citrus flavor helps block the gross taste of stevia.
Lie #5: Sprite Green is necessary. Sprite Green is advertised as having half the calories of normal soda. For a 12oz bottle, it has 70 calories. If you are drinking Sprite, you are fine with the amount of calories in Sprite. If you are not, you are probably drinking Sprite Zero, which has 0 calories. Sprite Green is not diet enough to work as a diet soda, and it’s not sweet enough to work as, well, a soda. It’s fine, it’s okay, but it doesn’t exactly fulfill a need that anyone I know has been looking for. No one goes down to their local store every day and asks: “Do you have something marginally sweeter than seltzer, but not as sweet as Sprite? No? Well, I’ll go back to my house, and wait for someone to create a drink just for me. What was that? You have 7oup? Shut your face; I desire not this 7oup you speak of. I want something that contains a marginal amount of lemon juice. Say, 5%. Oh, and salt. Just a bit of salt.”
So, all in all, Sprite Green is, well, all right. It’s not bad. It’s not overly sweet, and it doesn’t have a strong diet taste to it. But it doesn’t seem to fulfill any real purpose. If I want a soda, I want a soda. Sprite Green isn’t good for me, so I’m not going to drink it during my occasional bouts of self-loathing and worrying about my health. It’s also not tasty enough to satisfy my sweet tooth if I’m actually in the mood for a soda.