A letter to an old friend

Dear Dr. Pepper,

I realized it had been awhile since last I wrote, and I couldn’t let another moment go by without dropping you a quick note.  I know we’re at this point in our relationship where we don’t have to show our affection as strongly as we used to, because, well, we both know how the other feels.  That being true, I still need to say some things out loud.

I don’t know why people always give you such a hard time.  They’re jealous, probably. That’s the only explanation I can fathom. It can’t be that the things they say are true, because they simply aren’t.

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY YOU TASTED LIKE PRUNES! Bah, I shouldn’t have told you that. I know about your self-esteem issues. That guy on the TV always saying that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like you, that has to eat away at you. Well, you know what? No one tastes like you, not even your cousin, Diet Cherry Vanilla.  So, okay, someone said you tasted like prunes. Big whoop. You don’t. Not unless prunes taste like chocolate purple scrotums dipped in carbonated heaven clouds. Do they? I don’t know, I’ve never had a prune.

Those other guys? They’re just biting on your style, and they’ll never be your equal. As the great comedian/fan-of-you so rightly proclaimed “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”  And in this current economic climate? Higher education is becoming an even greater asset in continued career success.

You’re not going anywhere, friend.  Although I know we’ve had our ups and downs, like that time I experimented with heating you up and mixing you with lemon juice, I just want to let you know that I will always be there. Maybe sometimes I’ll be drinking Coke, and other times I’ll be drinking Root Beer, but there are always going to be times when I want something bolder. There will always be times when I demand all 23 of your flavors batting against my tastebuds. That’s never going to change, Dr. P.

I think Spock said it best:

“You have been and forever will be my third choice of dark-colored soft drink.”

Much love,

Adam Dorsey


2 responses to “A letter to an old friend

  1. Curtis Retherford

    Also good: Cherry Dr. Pepper. Much better then Diet Cherry Vanilla Adjective-Overload Dr. Pepper.

  2. Oh god, I have a confession to make. This letter to Dr. Pepper? It was actually drafted while sipping on a tall glass of Cherry Dr. Pepper. Oh god, I’m such a fraud. I hope the real Dr. Pepper doesn’t read this blog.

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