Author Archives: Adam Dorsey

A letter to an old friend


Dear Dr. Pepper,

I realized it had been awhile since last I wrote, and I couldn’t let another moment go by without dropping you a quick note.  I know we’re at this point in our relationship where we don’t have to show our affection as strongly as we used to, because, well, we both know how the other feels.  That being true, I still need to say some things out loud.

I don’t know why people always give you such a hard time.  They’re jealous, probably. That’s the only explanation I can fathom. It can’t be that the things they say are true, because they simply aren’t.

I ONCE HEARD SOMEONE SAY YOU TASTED LIKE PRUNES! Bah, I shouldn’t have told you that. I know about your self-esteem issues. That guy on the TV always saying that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like you, that has to eat away at you. Well, you know what? No one tastes like you, not even your cousin, Diet Cherry Vanilla.  So, okay, someone said you tasted like prunes. Big whoop. You don’t. Not unless prunes taste like chocolate purple scrotums dipped in carbonated heaven clouds. Do they? I don’t know, I’ve never had a prune.

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Diet Mtn Dew Ultra Violet

mtndewultraviolet

On August 3rd, in the year twenty-oh-nine, Mtn Dew (the carbonated beverage so XTREME that it refuses to spell out its name in full) launched the new drink Diet Mtn Dew Ultra Violet at a VIP “release party.” Unfortunately, we at No Free Refill were not officially invited, so a few days later we went to our local (Asian) grocery and purchased the drink with, you know, real money. It was still so new, though, that the store didn’t even have it in its system, and the cashier had to ask us how much it cost. AND BOY DID WE TELL HIM (“I don’t know, like $1.50?”)

I would also like to mention right now that the soda is only available for the next 12 weeks. So by the time you’re done reading this review, it could be gone!

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Tru Blood is Real

tru blood soda pop

I enjoy the HBO series True Blood. It’s about vampires, and southerners, and it’s got Rogue from X-Men in it.  The main vampire is kind of a badass, and I like to refer to him as “Twilight.”

NOTE: THIS POSTING IS NOT ABOUT THE LAST FOUR EPISODES OF TRUE BLOOD, BECAUSE I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM YET! DO NOT SPOIL THESE EPISODES FOR ME OR I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOU DEAD, LIKE BRUCE WILLIS IN THE SIXTH SENSE!

*SPOILER WARNING* Bruce Willis is a ghost the whole time in that movie. That’s why the kid can see him, because the kid sees dead people. *END SPOILER*

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Sierra Mist: Ruby Splash – Review

rubyredsierramistlogo

First things first: this amazing soda has a variant of the new Sierra Mist packaging. This means that as soon as you glance at the bottle, you will feel like you’ve stumbled into a season 2 episode of the X-Files, before it got all convoluted and broken. You’ll look around and you’ll see shafts of light cutting through the canopy, and suddenly you’ll be rustling through the forests of the Pacific Northwest, seeking some legendary bright pink Sasquatch beast who guards the ancient grapefruit bushels of legend. Well guess what? You’ve just found him. And the Cigarette Smoking Man? He’s freaking pissed. So high-five that fluke-man-guy, and tell him to crack open a bag of Sun Chips, because this metaphor is just getting started. Or, well, it’s halfway done, I guess. Welcome to Sierra Mist: Ruby Splash.

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Red Bull Cola – Live Taste Test

redbullcola_ad

[The following is the transcript of a recording Adam Dorsey made while conducting a live taste test of the new Red Bull Cola drink]

This is Adam Dorsey. It’s Friday night. August the 7th, 2009. I had to go to three stores before finding a can. I’m home now and popping it open as we speak. Review to follow.

[Can opening and drinking can be heard on the tape]

Tastes like poison. Tastes like they forgot to make a cola, found themselves with a warehouse full of empty cans, and instead of finding some sort of cola-like drink to fill the cans with, they just ground up half of the cans, mixed up the ground aluminum with blood, and put it into the remaining cans as cola. Or maybe that blood taste is my body trying to put itself out of its misery.

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Caffeine Free Pepsi Review

caffeine-free-pepsi

Pros: Comes in gold can. Feels like I’ve won a contest every time I pop one open.

Cons: Taste. Lacks Caffeine. Gold paint may cause Alzheimer’s.

Disclaimer: I don’t really like Pepsi. I still buy their products whenever they release a new one, but ultimately I am haunted by that familiar old ghost: I don’t really like Pepsi. Also, occasionally the ghost of Dr. Pepper haunts me, which is weird, because I didn’t even think he was a real person, and I especially didn’t think he looked so much like Gary Busey.

Now I know that the main question that you, as a reader (or as a listener if someone is reading this to you because you’re blind or never took hooked on phonics or something), the main question you are asking is: Does Caffeine Free Pepsi taste like regular Pepsi? And I wanted to answer this question as scientifically as possible, and so while sampling Caffeine Free Pepsi for this review, I tried to REMEMBER what regular Pepsi tastes like. No lie, I sat there and really thought about it, really tried to remember. Got my remembering on. And the answer is? Probably. I mean, I guess. Mostly. Tastes like pop, what else do you want?

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