Category Archives: Review

Two Crappy Natural Sodas

I don’t eat corn. I do, however, eat processed food, which means that 95% of my calories come from corn in one form or another. Generally high-fructose corn syrup, but occasionally from plain ol’ corn syrup, just like grandma used to use to artificially sweeten her mass-produced food with!

Maine Root Beer's aftertaste is about as bad as the aftertaste of this visual pun. Get it? Maine Root? Ah yeah!

So I generally try to drink non-HFCS soft drinks when possible. I do it partly out of a pathetic attempt to maintain something approaching a healthy lifestyle (“I’d like the bucket of chicken-flavored lard flakes covered in ranch dressing, please. Wait. Better make that thousand island dressing. Watching the weight.”), but also because sodas sweetened with cane sugar do tend to taste better. Jones makes great cane sugar sodas, and Boylan’s Cane Cola may be my all-time favorite cola, which I’d link to, if Boylan’s didn’t have a crappy flash-intensive website. Hey Boylan’s? 2002 called. They want their website design aesthetic back! Burn! Oh, and me? David Spade called. He wants this joke back. Because, you know, he’s David Spade. He doesn’t have a whole lot left.

There are two non-HFCS soft drinks I’d avoid, however: Maine Root and Deerfield Park Premium Sodas. Continue reading


Sprite Green

This is not even what the bottle looked like. The actual bottle was 12 oz and had dimples on top.

This is not even what the bottle looked like. The actual bottle was 12 oz and had dimples on top. The lies continue.

Sprite Green is not a bad soft drink, considering it seems to be sweetened solely by lies.

Sprite Green is Sprite’s new no-High Fructose Corn Syrup drink. Rather than HFCS, it contains sugar and stevia, which is a natural sugar substitute.

Let’s look at the lies, shall we? Go ahead, boys, bring ’em in! (Bags and bags filled with children’s letters to Santa Claus are brought into the court room. Each letter represents a lie. Because Santa does not exist, and neither do children.)

Lie #1: Sprite Green is Green (the color). It is not green. The bottle is green, but the drink itself, like all Sprite, is clear. Why call a clear drink “green?” Because this drink is made by liars. The men who created this drink live in a world in which the very sky itself hums with the pulsating mendacity of the damned. Glowing tendrils of lies arc from brain to brain, connecting all of the employees into one giant mass of lies. The ingredients even list “Ascorbic acid (to protect color)” Yes, it says on the label that ascorbic acid is there to protect color. What color? It’s clear, you lying bastards! Continue reading

Sierra Mist: Ruby Splash – Review


First things first: this amazing soda has a variant of the new Sierra Mist packaging. This means that as soon as you glance at the bottle, you will feel like you’ve stumbled into a season 2 episode of the X-Files, before it got all convoluted and broken. You’ll look around and you’ll see shafts of light cutting through the canopy, and suddenly you’ll be rustling through the forests of the Pacific Northwest, seeking some legendary bright pink Sasquatch beast who guards the ancient grapefruit bushels of legend. Well guess what? You’ve just found him. And the Cigarette Smoking Man? He’s freaking pissed. So high-five that fluke-man-guy, and tell him to crack open a bag of Sun Chips, because this metaphor is just getting started. Or, well, it’s halfway done, I guess. Welcome to Sierra Mist: Ruby Splash.

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Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry


Pros: It’s diet soda.

Cons: It’s diet soda.

My girlfriend has started drinking Diet Cherry Pepsi. Excuse me, she has been drinking “Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry.” For some reason, Pepsi insists on adding certain adjectives AFTER the noun, as if we were speaking Spanish. Shit de bull. In fact, there should actually be a colon after Diet Pepsi. It’s the only way to make the “Wild Cherry” suffix make sense. Diet Pepsi: Wild Cherry. (Not be confused with Diet Pepsi: Special Victims Unit.)

So my girlfriend has been drinking Diet Pepsi Wild Cherry. I’m not sure when exactly my girlfriend started drinking DPWC, but I’ve noticed more and more empty 2-liter bottles in our recycling. So it’s clearly a problem. Continue reading

Caffeine Free Pepsi Review


Pros: Comes in gold can. Feels like I’ve won a contest every time I pop one open.

Cons: Taste. Lacks Caffeine. Gold paint may cause Alzheimer’s.

Disclaimer: I don’t really like Pepsi. I still buy their products whenever they release a new one, but ultimately I am haunted by that familiar old ghost: I don’t really like Pepsi. Also, occasionally the ghost of Dr. Pepper haunts me, which is weird, because I didn’t even think he was a real person, and I especially didn’t think he looked so much like Gary Busey.

Now I know that the main question that you, as a reader (or as a listener if someone is reading this to you because you’re blind or never took hooked on phonics or something), the main question you are asking is: Does Caffeine Free Pepsi taste like regular Pepsi? And I wanted to answer this question as scientifically as possible, and so while sampling Caffeine Free Pepsi for this review, I tried to REMEMBER what regular Pepsi tastes like. No lie, I sat there and really thought about it, really tried to remember. Got my remembering on. And the answer is? Probably. I mean, I guess. Mostly. Tastes like pop, what else do you want?

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